Dear Blog,
Firstly my sincere apologies, you must think me terribly rude. My letter to you must have slipped down the back of handkerchief drawer and I have just found it because I wanted a handkerchief to wipe away my tears and have just opened the drawer to get one. There was no chance with it closed. Why was I crying? You may well ask. I’ll tell you why I was crying Blog. The garden is a disaster. A DISASTER. With all the rain and the subsequent repeated flooding of the estate, nothing has grown. I shall need a food famine relief parcel from UNESCO by Christmas as my meagre stocks of home grown vegetables will be exhausted. I spent all yesterday searching for potatoes. In the end I had to dial 999 to get the police search and rescue helicopter out with their infra-red heat seeking device to locate my spuds. I had the estate staff on the ground following the police in the sky instructions. After a couple of hours we got all excited as a positive hit was made by the helicopter. We all stopped what we were doing and rushed over to the spot the policeman indicated … but when we arrived we found that the slugs had beaten us to it, and all that remained was a sogggggy mush. It’s the same with the other crops. Nowt. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. Buggerall. It’s like that bloke reading the football results on the wireless on a Saturday night when I was a kid.
Gardner’s Premier League
Pear Tree 0 Plum Tree 0
Potatoes 0 Damsons 0
Red Currants 0 Blackcurrants 0 (match abandoned in June, the replay will be in May 2013)
Cabbages 0 Brussels 0
Caulis 0 Curly Kale 1
Purple Sprouting 0 White Sprouting 0
Corn 4 Broad Beans 6
Runners Beans 0 French Beans 2 (Latest Score. The start was held up by a sudden downpour)
Oh yes, back to the letter I thought I had sent you Blog … one does get carried away sometimes. As I said, I wrote to you a couple of weeks ago to say that I had had a letter from England Athletics which included my Competitors Licence and I ended my little message to you to say that I was going out for a trudge to calm down ….. Why so long to calm? Why so long to complete the message to you to explain why was I hot under the collar? First I had a small problem of an agonising back pain, so severe that I was not be able to trudge so I was not able to calm down. Six weeks of excruciating pain … and I do mean excruciating with a double capital ‘EE’. Could NOT jog / trudge / walk. Couldn’t lie down, spent six weeks in a chair. Well, have I calmed down ….. you may ask why I was uptight. Alright, Blog. I’ll tell you why. The letter from England Athletics was from my friend, John Graves, the Chairman of England Athletics. John and I go back a long, long way, both as work colleagues in the same mathematics department at more than one school and also as members of the same running club. His children also had the privilege of being taught by me, an experience which has stood them in very good stead for their adult life, even if I modestly say so myself. An experience which has stood them in very good stead for their adult life. They are so lucky to have had such a solid start in life. Don’t you wish your children had been so lucky Blog? I am assuming that you do have children Blog. In the envelope containing my Competition Licence, was details of special offers available to me as a result of being a fully signed up member of England Athletics. I think I wrote to you a few weeks back in another letter about how we like to press the self-destruct button at every possible opportunity in our sport. When do I need my Licence to run? Road races certainly don’t bother to ask whether I have been certified, more so the races which are the Big City affaires or the increasing number of promotions which are organised by the new wave of independent race organisers. Never needed it. Also enclosed in the envelop was a range of ‘offers’ mostly involving a certain sports company. These offers are really derisory, schoolboy stuff. Is it part of the pretend world in which athletics lives; to make such offers appear unmissable when really, most are either expensive tat or items of expensive kidology? Along with the special offers and the proclamation about how the income of the sport has been spent, there are barely veiled dark warnings about what is going to happen post Olympics when the government funding is cut. And cuts there will be, Blog. Mark my word Blog. Just as there will also be resignations. Mark my word Blog. Just as we will lose sponsors. Mark my word Blog. What an opportunity England Athletics has missed when the sport was awash with money. A legacy …. Eg. Set up some kind of liaison with ACPO to facilitate local road races is one area which would have had a long lasting financial benefit to clubs and club members; it would have been a genuine legacy. Of much more use spending money than on organising another airy fairy scheme to conduct a poll about some nonsense or other; of much more use than spending money on another awards dinner for ‘the best of …’. Awards ceremony this, awards ceremony that, awards ceremony for the best awards ceremony … everyone is at it. The local rag has just featured an awards ceremony for ‘the best dog’. For heaven’s sake, give it a rest????? An idea. Some serious money could have been invested by England Athletics to set up a swipe card system activated by the Competition / Officials / Coaches Licence. Using a swipe card for entries, hours of officials input time feeding names into a computer programme at athletics meetings could have been saved; results production after competitions would have been a snip. Pre entries for road races would no longer be necessary, eliminating all the paper shoving and postal faff. Clubs would have real time data about membership, unsanctioned road races could be controlled, brought under the umbrella of England Athletics. Monies could be spent in producing an on-going information leaflet to be sent to unattached athletes but all that is too late. So what happened with all the quids? I’ll tell you what happened to all the lolly in athletics Blog. Over the last six years, I believe some 1000+ athletes have been supported. Although I am probably wrong Blog. I believe the cost of each athletic medal won, according to one newspaper, was £2.7m. Although I am probably wrong Blog. Another idea. The athletic authorities could have saved millions of quids if they had hired me. But too late now mate. I think I will sell my services to the media and join my mate Dorian. So to sum up … my back’s better ... trudging is possible … and I am calm ... and I am down.
Colin
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