Anyone for Tennis?

Bonk.

Dear Blog, bonk.

    3:30pm Sunday afternoon and it’s hot outside and I’m hot. Bonk. I am also tired from my trudge this morning in the broiling sun. Bonk, bonk.

Knock, knock.

Someone at the door, bonk.

My wife is in Corby at the Midland League Meeting. So is my daughter. Bonk.

Dilemma, horns of. I am hot, I am tired. Do I answer it?

Knock, knock.

Man at door. Sweating.

‘Are you interested in buying …’

‘No’. Cannot shut door, he has his AK49 wedged between the door and the frame in the small gap, bonk.

‘Can I interest you in buying a picture …’

‘A picture?’

‘Yes, a photographic picture of your house.’

‘Mansion, with a capital ‘M’.’

‘Sorry. Are you interested in buying a photographic picture of your Mansion with a capital ‘M’.

Is he taking the piss????

Now I may have trudged hard this morning, but I ask myself, why would I want a photographic picture of my own Mansion? Bonk. I live here. Bonk. If I forget what it looks like I can just pop on my coat, pop outside and remind myself, bonk. No big deal there then. Bonk, bonk. If I get really forgetful I could take a photo of the property myself, then I could stay insiode and admire the view. Bonk, bonk.

‘It is a photographic picture of your house, errr sorry, your mansion with a capital ‘M’ taken from the air.’ He is taking the piss.

‘How much?’

‘£55:00’

‘No I said how much for the photographic picture, not the cost of your camera. I have a camera.’

‘£55:00 including the frame’

‘No thanks’

‘I’ll do it for £50:00 and include the Vat.’

‘No thanks’

Just imagine … dial 999. ‘Police please.’ ‘Yes sir what is the problem?’ ‘Sorry to bother you officer, but someone has juct nick my Masion.’ ‘Your mansion, Sir’ ‘Yes my Mansion with a capital ‘M’.’ ‘Oh dear sir, and when did this feloney occur?’ ‘Last night officer, when I was asleep. When I woke up this morning there it was. Gone.’ ‘And could you give me a description of this ‘er Mansion with a capital ‘M’ sir.’ ‘No officer I am sorry but I have forgotten whatr it looks like. But lukily I bought a photographic picture of my Masion with a capital ‘M’ just last wee. It was a shrewed investment for £50;00 including the fame and Vat.’ ‘That is very lucky indeed sir. I shall pop round and see you straight away to collect that photographic picture of your Masion. Luckily that is not much of a second hand market for this sort of thing. People just haven’t got the room to put them these days. We should soon have ity back to you safe and sound, sir. And where shall I find yu’ou to pick up this ‘er picture seeing yuou have got a Mansion with a capital ‘M’ like. In the orchard just up the lane from the village. Yes got that sir, be with you in a jiffy.’

‘No thanks, I don’t want a picture of my Mansion, with a capital ‘M’ whether it is a photographic image, a water colour or done in oils.’

 ‘I’ll do it for £35:00 sir, and look, there you are in the drive way. That little dot in front of the car. Special that. When I fly around taking these photos, I don’t often get the occupant in the shot. Usually I charge extra for that. But to you sir, a flat £35:00. And that is my last offer. It is such a nice frame.’

‘No thanks.’

The sweaty man was almost in tears. Bonk.

'Please buy one. No one will talk to me this afternoon. No one will buy any of my photographic pictures.'

'No thanks.'

When my wife comes home. Bonk.

‘Had a nice peaceful day dear, Bonk.?’ Had any visitors, bonk, bonk?’

‘Yes I had a bloke bonk, trying to sell me an aerial photograph of our little mansion, with a capital ‘M’. Bonk.’

‘Did you buy it?’

‘No bonk. I told him to Bonk off.’

‘How much did he ask?’

‘£35:00 in the end, bonk bonk.’

‘And you didn’t buy it? That’s a bonking shame.’

‘Why, bonk?’

‘It would have hung nicely with the other one I bought twenty years ago. Bonk. I could have hung them together to show how many improvements you haven’t done over the years.’

‘Oh you mean the faded photo hanging in the porch way Bonk. I always wondered where that had come from Bonk, bonk.’

‘Do you know haw Murray got on this afternoon, bonk?’

‘Murray, bonk? Murray who? Bonk, bonk, bonk.’

                                       Colin