Wednesday 30 December 2015

What price Christmas?


Photographic Quiz.
 

Photo number:- six

Question:- Who won these gold medals before he went on to run in one of his appearances in the International Cross Country Championships? Which Coventry club was he in? CLUE TIME:- He was probably the best Coventry Club runner before Basil Heatley.

Dear Blog,

                 So that was Christmas? And not a happy new year?? Big blow out what?? Too much wind eh?? Split in your side? Spare tyre too big? That is just what happens when you don't get your car serviced regularly, and the weekly checks on the water, oil and tyre pressure are neglected!! Still I believe you didn't have to push the car too far. Shame it brought on a seizure in your back; the doctor says you only have to stay horizontal on that board for another couple of weeks and you can start with rehabilitation. Pity about your holiday having to be cancelled though, the sun would have done you good. Still the tickets haven't gone to waste. I will tell you what the resort was like when I get back.

                               Cheers,

                                              Colin  

Friday 25 December 2015

Ho Ho Ho Ho HO HO


Photographic Quiz.
 

Photo number:- five

Question:-  Do you know this bloke?? The police authority want to interview him urgently in connection with two cases of driving without due care and attention, multiple charges of driving while under the influence of drink or drugs, one charge of deception and one charge of cruelty to animals.

The driving without due care and attention relates to one incident in which a Boeing 747 had to take emergency evasive action as the above suspect came within 100 yards (metres to you Blog) of the aircraft above Birmingham with his sledge as the plane was returning from a visit to Lap land. The passengers, all old men, had been on a trip to see the dancers. The other charge related to a 737 which had to abort its take off of its Christmas trip to Turkey when it was believed by the pilot that a sea bird had been sucked into one of the engines. On analysis the meat turned out to be venison.

 The drink charge follow analysis of a blood sample given by the above suspect after being spotted driving his sledge in an erotic manner, when he had 180 mg of alcohol per millilitre in his blood, compared to the legal limit of 2.5 mg of alcohol per millilitre; it was equivalent of consuming 49 sherries - and the DVLA has no record of him passing his sledging test.

 The deception charge follows action from a parents group who claim that the above suspect told their young children that Christmas was just a commercial con and that Father Christmas was probably an unemployed tramp, or even worse, it could be that nice Mr Cameroon trying to win the young vote in time for the 2020 election.

The Animal Rights Safety Ensemble, or Arse for short, have brought an action because the above suspect did not allow his reindeers to rest during a 24 hour work shift whereas E.C. rules state quite clearly that a 24 hour shift should only be worked in the summer months and that 23 hours and 57 minutes should be a maximum during the winter.   

Dear Blog,

                 Boy what a night. I am knackered. Proper pooped. I don't think the word 'disturbing' is too strong a description to use. All those bloody bells a jingling all through the night and the amount of poo I had to shift off the lawn this morning had to be seen to be believed. God only knows what was going on. I had to wake my dear wife up to send her outside to find out what the commotion was all about. I said to her that she should put a cardigan over her baby doll pyjamas in case the neighbours saw her but she said that her tank top would do. I said alright but if there is any trouble, be sure to phone the police before she tries to tackle whoever is making the racket. I said to her that if they were burglars she should call me down and I would help them look for any valuables - don't want them to find any valuables - share and share a like is my motto. It is Christmas afterall. She finally came back to bed about 6am and I wasn't too pleased as she was soaked through to the skin and she started dripping on my side of the bed. I ask you. She never used to be so selfish. I think I have told you before Blog, that sometimes she is not very considerate. And then, to add insult to injury, she was late getting up to make my breakfast.

                Taking all her actions into consideration, I think, with hind sight, I was quite right not to buy her an expensive Christmas gift; I shall eat the bar of chocolate myself.

                                                           Colin

Wednesday 23 December 2015

Joe Lancaster R.I.P.


Photographic Quiz.

Photo number:- four
 

It was sad to hear of the death of Joe Lancaster on Monday

Dear Blog,

                   Carrying on the Drugs theme Blog ............... sorting through the loft a couple of days ago I found a couple interesting items. I found a running vest belonging to a marathon runner who was banned for drugs usage! So Blog the big question is whether my performance will improve if I wear it in my next championship race. Or will the traces of drugs on it still be traceable;  and will I end up being band - at least it will be a novel excuse to offer to the drugs testing panel!!!? If I wash it and strain the suds, will I be able to imbibe the reside?? And will I be flying or just high???

                 The other item I found at the same time was a discarded drinks bottle of an Olympic walking gold medallist. Blog, I kid you not. If I sup some of the stuff, will it make me run faster or just walk faster??

                 How much will I get on e-bay if I supply each item with a provenance, do you think Blog? I will of course give any money raised to 'Tiny Tim's Children's Centre' which is a local Coventry based charity for disable children - knowing that, any buyer might cough up a few extra quids??? I am of course open to offers Blog!!! I kid you not!!!

BUT and its a big BUT, should  I parcel both up and send them to Seb as a Christmas present to help him kick off his drugs campaign in the New Year??

                                   Colin

Thursday 17 December 2015

Keighley Boys Grammar School


Photographic Quiz.

Photo number:- Three of the new letters to you Blog - agreed????

Question:-  This is dead easy Blog ..... which School is this???? Nil Point for that Bloggie Boy!!!!!

Dear Blog,

                 In the last few days, that nice Mr. Cameroon has made some passing comments about his actions in Europe and living with the reaction of our neighbours from across the Channel. I didn't know our esteem Premier was au fait with Newton's Third Law of Motion, obviously a man with hidden depths. He will probably be into thermodynamics next week and get friendly with Canot???

               This action and reaction business reminded me of my being at school and the two reactions / consequences of one particular action of mine - one immediate - one delayed for six months.

Read on Blog.

               I attended Keighley Boys Grammar School having being the only boy from my junior school to pass the 11+. A new Head (Watthey by name) was appointed to the Grammar School during my later years. He was a Methodist lay preacher and I could not reconcile myself with his attitude and his faith. I had attended the local Wesley Chapel for a time as a youngster, and I thought the ideas preached were admirable although I had become atheistic in my outlook since. The new Head soon alienated me by scrawling in large letters all across my school report 'WAKE UP STUPID!' for no valid reason that I could detect. How could I explain that outburst to my parents who knew nothing of the functioning of education. I couldn't. 

          From being a kid, I had always been one to keep my own council and keep a grievance to myself until I could unleash my frustrations at a time and place chosen to suit me!! I thought that that was a good one to stash away for future use. And so it proved to be!

        Whether it applied to the rest of the school I do not know, but in the sixth form (Upper?) Watthey announced in morning assembly (I think it was) that he was introducing a Games Attendance Card which had to be carried by pupil to all school matches to be stamped by the master on duty to prove you had been present to support the particular school team playing at the time. I remember his smirk now, as he pointed out to the assembled pupils that he would definitely not be giving a good reference to any pupil who had not got a high number of attendance stamps on their Games Card. We must have been given them as we left the room I suspect.

       Two things to bear in mind when you read the following about my reactions Blog; one, as I have just written was immediate, the other took six months to manifest itself .......... I was desperate to get to University despite my social background as I saw a degree as the only way open for someone like me to escape the life of grind in the mill that my parents had had to endure. Also I was metaphorically flexing my muscles as a teenager and was acutely aware of my circumstances. It was the time of the Cuban missile crisis and I can clearly remember thinking as I walked down to school by myself as usual, on the morning that Kennedy had issued an ultimatum to Khrushchev that the world could well be embroiled in nuclear war by that evening and all the efforts I had put into my academic work would have been a total waste of my time. It may sound melodramatic now Blog, but it was terribly real to me then.

         So Watthey announces his Game Attendance Card, supposedly to enhance the school's sporting prowess? I was a couple of weeks away from taking any interest in sport and was incensed that he expected me to waste my Saturday mornings watching some stupid school game or other. No way. By break time I was spitting feathers, so I marched politely to the office and asked if I might see the Head. Whether I was allowed to see him then or at a later date, I do not remember but when I finally made it to the inner sanctum, I was far from slow in expressing my feelings. I can see his look of astonishment even now as I tore up my Games Attendance Card in front of him. Perhaps that was not the wisest move on my part as he exploded. I suspected he was going to attack me. Voices were turn up to full volume and he became almost apoplectic! He finally informed me that he would ensure that I never got to university as he would make sure I had a very poor reference from him. I fully expected to be summoned in  the near future to be told I had been expelled for insubordination or similar. In reality, I never spoke to the bloke again. I never acknowledged him. I did not attend the Keighley Boys Grammar School Speech Day to receive my 'A' and 'S' level certificates. And I never thought that the exchange had been over heard by any one and certainly it was never ever mentioned by anyone to me. I didn't quite make it to the rank of Prefect!!

         In those far off days to get to University you simply wrote a letter of application to your chosen institution. No UCAS forms to fill in nor a Clearing House to act as a fail safe net! Certainly no advice was given to me about what to put down or which university to apply to. And bear in mind Blog, there were not too many universities in those days, perhaps nine in the Northern area, so gaining a place was not easy. It was the days of Polytechnics and further education colleges.

          I sent off my letters of application and could not understand why I was not being called for interview as were all my contemporaries. As the time for 'A' levels and 'S' levels approached, I was seriously worried. Some twerp on the staff arranged for me to attend a Teacher Training College interview in Dudley [Blog I do not joke!] for some reason, which I turned down. My parents actually bought me a suit to wear at interview. Not only did it break the bank, but it got no wear. The only way we could afford it was that my younger sister had by now left school and got a reasonably paid job as a 'mender' which was a highly regarded job in the mill, near the top of the pecking order. By the most unconventional means which I will go into sometime later with you Blog, I wheedled an interview at Durham. Durham is a collegiate University. In my virgin best suit I was ushered into the presence of the College Head (Society actually but it is the same thing). Him and me! The first question astounded me. Completely threw me. After all the different scenarios I had imagined a University interview to be, the first question thrown at me was one that I had never ever imagined.

'Why don't you get on with your Headmaster?'

He could see my astonishment and that  I was obviously lost for words, so he continued with

'Why has he given you such an appalling reference?'

By the end of the interview I had been offered an unconditional place, which in lay terms means that I had been accepted at the college / university if I wanted the place!!!

         Thank you Watthey, you bastard, may you rot in hell. I assume the bloke has long since stopped preaching, at least in this world??

         Even Newton would not have expected that reaction??? Perhaps it was a double bluff on the Head's part to stimulate my studying. But then again, perhaps not.

          As I never went back to the school or had any contact with my contemporaries, except one who became my Best Man, I have often wondered if the events related above were a product of my over developed fertile imagination. Slowly the mists of time had dulled my recollection???? The set-to with the Head I began to think of as some weird dream .... no one else was present and his office seemed so cavernous .... coupled with the fact that there was no one else from the school with whom I could check the facts about the Games Attendance Card. There is an extensive O.B.s webby thingie that I once looked at but there was no reference to a Games Attendance Card. I did start to wonder if perhaps I should change the habit of a life time and attend one of their functions??? Then I decided 'perhaps not'!!

  THEN. OUT OF THE BLUE, about five years ago I met a former teacher from the Grammar School when we were both attending some local village function here in Coventry - I cannot remember what the occasion was about, to tell you the truth Blog, but he approached me and enquired if I was the Colin Kirkham, THE runner who had attended the Keighley Grammar School about 50 years previously. I confirmed it was me but confessed I had not a clue who he was ... he gave me his name and I apologised that I was still not any the wiser. He explained that he had never taught me but he remembered me from his second or third year of teaching at the school as I had been something of a cause celebre in his early introduction to teaching.

           Our School secretary's office at the Grammar School was at the end of a long wide corridor in the old Victorian building, the Head having his study next door. During breaks, apparently, the office was a hive of activity with staff dealing with various odds and ends but part of the attraction [the main part??] of the hive of activity in the office in that testosterone loaded all male school was the new appointment of a young female secretarial assistant!!!  This teacher and a couple of colleagues had been in the secretary's office when the shouting match between me and the Head took off and it was soon to be the talk of the staff room - a sixth former taking a stance against a dictatorial Head made an impression .... and it took me fifty years to find out about the rise in my stock in the eyes of the staff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So my memories were remembered correctly. Well done me!!!

         One consequence of our meeting was that he kindly invited me round to his house where he filled me in with gossip about dozens of members of Keighley Boys Grammar School staff about which I had been totally unaware ... do remember Blog, that my parents were basically poor and there was no spending money for me to go out socialising with school mates, so I never knew what went on in and around school. I grudgingly served me time at the school as a means to an end. Period.

                                                                 Colin

Sunday 13 December 2015

Acne used to be the drug usage give away, then it was weight rapid change then.....


Photographic Quiz.
 

Photo number:- two

Question:- What was the best club in the Shop Keepers Cross Country League in Coventry? When did they race? Which Godiva member was the secretary of the League? Where was his shop? What did he sell? What did his son do for a job? Why couldn't his son follow his father's footsteps and

Dear Blog,

                 The drugs comments in the media has gone remarkably quiet following Coe's kid glove treatment at the hands of the Parliamentary Committee. Interesting.

                 Something he said reminded me of the time when I met a running acquaintance. He had shaved his head and I commented on the fact. 'Well you have to haven't you?' I naively didn't understand what he meant so I asked him what he was on about. 'Well the stuff makes your hair fall out doesn't it and it looks obvious then doesn't it?' I caught on!!!!  

                I know his mother was not a happy parent about things and it wasn't just his newly shaved head!

                           Colin 

Saturday 12 December 2015

English Schools Cross Country Championships


Photographic Quiz.
 

Photo number:- one

Question:-  A murderer's victim lived in the third house on the right, but what did a Godiva Harrier do in the road about two weeks before the murder was committed? Who was the murderer and why has he been in the news last week?

Dear Blog,

                  Interestingly, last week I was shown an England School Cross Country Championships programmes when the event was held at the Woodlands Comprehensive School in Coventry. It was part of an interview for my ongoing research  into 'The History of Coventry Godiva Harriers and Other Clubs in the City over the last 140 years'. The year of the programme was 1963. the month March. I started running in October 1962 in response to advice given by the Head of Sixth Form at my school concerning techniques for getting into University. I remember going out for a run on Boxing Day and had only climbed about two miles up onto the moor when it was clear than the intensity of the driving snow was creating conditions which were far from usual. Common sense prevailed and I aborted the session to turn back home struggling in the quickly drifting snow. It was March 3rd when I next saw green grass when I ran in the National Cross Country Championships in Cambridge for my club, Bingley Harriers. I was in the upper sixth at the time and had run the Craven Schools Championships and qualified for the Yorkshire School championship event which I think was held on terraced sports school fields in Mexborough. The winter was extremely bad and the school field was sheet ice making the small climb from one pitch to the next totally impossible for those without spiked running shoes. My parents could not afford to spend money on spikes and I ran in my school pumps spending the entire race slipping, sliding and skidding on the icy surface. Needless to say I did not qualify for the English Schools Championships when I should have easily made the team!!!

I looked through the programme and was most surprised to find my name listed in the Yorkshire team!!! Here comes the rub ..... being new to the sport I was unfamiliar with the procedures, added to which my Grammar School was interested exclusively in rugby and did cross country running only when the pitches were frozen and unplayable! The few of us (5 max)  had to badger the teacher to enter us for the occasional race. So was I in the Yorkshire team or not??? Was the school sent information about my selection or not???? Should they have told me and didn't bother???? Will I ever know???? Was my name there in the programme just as a filler to make up the numbers????

I shall tell you more about my experience of sixth form life next time if I remember Blog.

                                                   Colin

Thursday 10 December 2015

Smmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


Photographic Quiz.

Photo number:- Shallwebeginagin?

Question:-  Pretty obvious I would have thought?

Dear Blog,

               Smeeeeeeee, though I must confess I am not sure why. I find the whole thing some what embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                           Colin

Wednesday 9 December 2015

Christmas box for the wife


Photographic Quiz.
 

Photo number:- sorry Blog, I am past caring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Question:-  Who sent this Christmas card? To whom? And what is the connection to Coventry Godiva Harriers?? I will grant you Blog, that is a hard question and the clue I have given you shows a touch of genius by me, don't you think?

Dear Blog,                          

                So Blog, it's that time of year again. You know, 'the big con of 'buy one - give one - get one - bin one-  'cos its a load of rubbish' time.

                 Well my good lady wife, I use the term freely, has been dropping hints about what she wants from Father Jesus. It started when we were driven through Yokel Land on the way to Never Never Land. 'Oh look' she says 'the Browns are having their cottage painted white.' or was it the Whites were having their cottage painted brown. I don't know, it could have been the Green's for all I care. But you get the drift, Blog. Someone down the Lane was having a paint job done. And of course, that got her speculating that what was good enough for the Browns / Whites / Greens / pick whatever colour you want Blog, was for her. Period.

                 'OH Look' she says a couple of days later, 'The kitchen paintwork is beginning to look grubby.' Did I fall into the trap and reply to her Blog ? Am I stupid Blog? No I just carried on toasting  my cornflake sandwich as if nothing had been said. Subtle, that's me Blog.

                 Then it was 'It is a long time since this Morning Room was decorated'.  'Ten years' I thought 'and good for another ten!' Then it was the Breakfast Room, then the Banquet Hall ....

                 A slightly different tack was to observe that the paintwork in a particular part of the Mansion was 'tired'. I just yawned.

                The brochures started appearing next. You know the kind of thing Blog. "Special Offer. Decorate one room and get the other one done as well because it will now look shabby in comparison and you wouldn't want the neighbours to observe that would you" type of thing. Once you start Blog, you may as well go off to our Cottage in the Bahamas for a couple of months and let them get on with it while you try to forget the pain of the sun burn. But no Blog. That shows weakness. And once a chink is detected these women creatures won't let up!

                  And so it came to pass dear children mine....

                  Now I have to confess Blog ...... After six weeks of these not so subtle hints and with Christmas not twenty days away, I have buckled. I have given way under the pressure. Just this once my dear wife of so many years can have her way. If she wants the old Mansion decorated, then so be it. I have no problem with that. First thing tomorrow, I shall take the best motor car and drive into the big city to buy her pressie.  I reckon she will be tickled pink on Christmas morning when she unwraps the parcel and sees that her continual pestering about repainting has paid off. In the morning, I shall be driven straight to the posh decorating shop on the High Street and buy her a set of paint brushes. I reckon I can get some of those rubbishy Chinese ones for less than five quids if I show my pensioner's discount card. What a lucky lady my wife is, having such a dear thoughtful husband.

                      If I get any change from my five quids I may even buy her a Christmas card - always assuming  there isn't enough left for a coffee, that is.

                                          Colin